JFU

Helpless

2008-08-10T00:05:00.001+05:30

I've never felt this helpless ever...its been almost 2 weeks now. I just wish that all's well and I'll get to hear the knock.

2008-07-27T01:47:00.002+05:30

I've got terrible mouth ulcer, just can't open my mouth. I'll celebrate today as a "Nod day"

Bored

2008-07-13T08:06:00.002+05:30

Never imagined this state of Indira Gandhi International Airport at Delhi, it was like hours n hours in the serpentine queues, first at the X-Ray machines....Boarding Pass Queue, followed by the longest of the immigrations procedures and finally the security check in...by this time you'd already be so much pissed that all you'd want to is cancel your ticket and get back home. this was then. And now,

It took just took 5 mins to get the boarding pass...another 5 for immigration and then 2 mins at the security check in...sweet. And yes I didn't forget the X-Ray machine. No need for any X-rays now. Yay!!! so finally I am through all this in 15 minutes.

So, now I have 2 hours and 30 mins to kill. Still no free Wifi, but I can see it surely in future. Till then my GPRS rox :)

So finally I am off to Spain....... I am going to Ibiza :)

2008-07-09T14:53:00.000+05:30

"I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is
a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a
might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a
has was once an are."
~ Milton Berle

2008-06-01T12:38:00.000+05:30

Another Sunday! What else is new? My horoscope assures me that I'll have a fun time cavorting with my sweetheart on the beaches of Keelawee.
Hah! The rate at which my horoscopes churn out sweethearts for me...

Is there chicken for lunch? Is there chicken for dinner?

Profound thoughts! yawn!

2008-05-29T21:15:00.002+05:30

"Chairs are not chairs, they're actually swimming pools"

2008-05-27T17:10:00.002+05:30

Wheeze!

So I know you're breathing

Love

2008-05-20T23:09:00.001+05:30

It's when I take a step backwards that I can't see where I'm going going gone
I need to time the jump to sink the shot but hesitation in mid-air leaves me undone
I should doubt when I stand and believe when I fly
Or I'll be doomed to fall back to the floor when I could have touched the sky

2008-05-12T23:16:00.001+05:30

Sometimes, I feel I am way too upbeat for my own good. When people on the other line don't respond with as much enthusiasm in their tone as me, it sort of makes me feel silly about being so gung-ho about god-alone-knows-what in the first place.

2008-04-29T09:34:00.001+05:30

Attitudes are so different when people need you.
Why do people say something, feel something and do something else?

So, so, so disappointed,

Dead

2008-04-16T14:35:00.001+05:30

Its 4 AM and I am still stuck at work..... Ahhh

Searching for PK

2008-04-16T10:22:00.002+05:30

Finally I've set my foot on the US soil. PK if you read this then leave your number here...I in Dallas for another week n free. Tried to look for your number but couldn't get it from anywhere...leave it here or mail me at gulatiankur[at]gmail[dot]com

2008-03-30T18:12:00.002+05:30

I came back from the party early....Just couldn't sit there with my mind somewhere else.
It was half past one at night, I went to balcony with my guitar and I sing another story of mine quietly. The night listens like she always does.

2008-03-28T13:41:00.002+05:30

Yesterday, I unintentional hurt someone. She's angry. I mean very angry.

I am a dud, someone kick my butt.
sorry for the pain, will never do that again! will never ever do that again !

A Promise

2008-03-26T15:01:00.000+05:30

The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.

Its sad.

coming back to life

2008-03-04T18:48:00.003+05:30

An year back.....when I'd taken the plunge, these were the learnings

http://my-aura.blogspot.com/2007/04/back-to-life-after-plunge.html#links

almost an year now.... I am 9/9. I also asked myself how happy I am on the scale of
1 - 10, 10 being the best. For the first time I answered 9/10. I know the only thing missing and will get to that shortly.

:)

2008-03-03T12:27:00.001+05:30

*yawn*

Pantieeees...?

2007-11-26T13:48:00.000+05:30

I went for last minute shopping to a wholesale market before I had to leave for Amsterdam, I walk into this not-so-big Jockey shop and ask the person maning the counter to show me some briefs.

"Panties?", he asked me.

"Naaaa ... actually briefs...", I said, pointing my finger at myself to indicate that I wanted stuff for me.

"Panties or shorts?", he asked me again

"Arrrrghhh .... briefs???", I said.... again.

Now he had almost lost his cool; seeing his expressions I said, "Yes. Panties! Please show me some of size L!"

Happy Diwali......

2007-11-07T17:13:00.001+05:30

Church
Originally uploaded by Ankur's

Here are the pics for three beautiful cities in Netherland. Breda(I was staying here), Rijen(Ericsson's office) and Amsterdam City....
http://www.flickr.com/photos/rukna/sets/72157602807806514/

and Happy Diwali to all of you....

2007-11-04T00:36:00.000+05:30

its a confused sort of a day...it has not yet decided what it wants to be. scattered clouds triumph temporarily over a jubilant sun and there is a constant sense of struggle and suspense...who shall win? what will the day be? and i quite empathise with the day. becuase i feel like it so many times. so many eons have been spent in agonising over which way to branch out. it must be tough for trees too, to decide which way to go, but they atleast have the comfort of the knowledge that they are going up. no, i am not depressed, just wondering what the day will choose for itself. becuase after all, it all boils down to what we choose doesnt it???

She has her way of saying that things are not fine.....Can she atleast callup.....aargh.

I am just worried.

UPDATE: Just spoke to her.....All's well....but I F#^%#%in hate her.

All buckled up - Rafting Trip

2007-10-29T14:51:00.001+05:30

all buckled up
Originally uploaded by Ankur's

Finally I uploaded all the pics of our Delhi - Bijnor - Kotdwar - Lansdowne - Rishikesh - Delhi trip........phewwww. Check em out.

Trip Pics

I DID CLIFF JUMPING TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.YAY ! It took me 20 mins to make up my heart to jump. I was just too scared....the water was spine chilling, it was fast n the rocks...Yuk...I just did. I finally did Jump. Here is it.

Amsterdam stuff coming up soooon.

Another Promise

2007-10-11T10:32:00.000+05:30

I once said that I thought of myself as a network of relationships and that when a friendship died... part of me died. Today I feel far more alive.
From now on when I'm feeling down, I'm going to sit down and think what I should feel. And then convince myself that it is what I am feeling. Others may call it denial and tell me I could become delusional. But at the end of the day life is not the events that hit you but your interpretation of them and that interpretation is a choice. It makes sense to pick the choice that I know is the right one in the deepest recesses of my soul.

So here's another promise I make to myself. Not only will I never say anything genuinely critical about anyone (though I certainly will make fun of them) I will from now on choose the appropriate response to every single thing. Period.

From now on I will do the right thing. Every time.

2007-10-08T11:47:00.000+05:30

A dazzling smile accompanied with a friendly countenance does wonders to one's mood. Even when not one word is exchanged. Aah, niceness.

Sabse peeche hum khade

2007-10-03T12:47:00.000+05:30

I finally came across a long lost song. This one is unreleased version by Silk Route from OST - Let's Enjoy or Let's Party(Don't remember exactly) Also I noticed that the few only Hindi songs that I play on guitar are of Silk Route not knowing that this one also came from their bunch.

Here's the tab...

D - x00232 (Denoted frets for top most 6th string to bottom most 1st string in guitar)
Dmaj7 - x00222
Bm - 224432
Bmadd9 - 224422
A - 002220

Intro:

D Dmaj7 D Dmaj7 Bm Bmadd9 Bm Bmadd9 A A D Dmaj D X2

D Dmaj7 D
Zara nazar utha ke dekho
Dmaj7 Bm Bmadd9 Bm
Baithe hain hum yahin
Bmadd9 A
Bekhabar mujhse kyun ho
D Dmaj7 D
Itne bure bhi hum nahi

D Dmaj7 D
Zara nazar utha ke dekho
Dmaj7 Bm Bmadd9 Bm
Baithe hain hum yahin
Bmadd9 A
Bekhabar mujhse kyun ho
D Dmaj7 D
Itne bure bhi hum nahi

D Dmaj7 D
Zamaane ki baaton mein uljho na
Dmaj7 Bm Bmadd9 Bm
Hai ye aasaan jaanna
Bm A
Khud se jo agar tum poocho
D Dmaj7 D
Hain hum tumhare ke nahi

A Bm
Teri aankhon ka jaadu
A
Poori duniya pe hai

D Dmaj7 D
Duniya ki is bheed mein
Dmaj7 Bm Bmadd9 Bm
Sabse peeche hum khade
Bmadd9 A D Dmaj7 D
Sabse peeche hum khade

Mehfilein aayi aur gayi
Log aaye aur gaye
Tum jo aaj apne ho
Dil mein ho bas gaye

Muskara ke baat talo na
Phir miloge jo kabhi
Dekhna yehi kahoge
Itne bure bhi hum nahi

Teri aankhon ka jaadu
Poori duniya pe hai
Duniya ki is bheed mein
Sabse peeche hum khade
Sabse peeche hum khade

Teri aankhon ka jaadu
Poori duniya pe hai
Duniya ki is bheed mein
Sabse peeche hum khade
Sabse peeche hum khade

courtesy: http://www.schoolofsymphony.com/upload_files/sabse_peeche_hum_khade.txt

Eyes Wide Open

2007-09-20T11:46:00.000+05:30

32 straight hours in office......still counting....

Weary eyes,
A light about to break in,
The Smile walked across

Poland Prologue....!

2007-09-03T21:52:00.000+05:30

My first time in Warsaw, Poland. Well I've just caught in nick of time. This is a city edging its way to becoming a disciplined, straight minded European tow, as the logo clad skyscrapers may suggest. With the Baywatch girls who clip-clop down the streets, theres little about Warsaw that catches the eye. What it succeeds in doing is a whole lot more; catching the imagination, heart n Soul.

While Polish beer elicits mixed reports, Polish Vodka stands alongside the best, and the country is rightfully seen as the ancient home of the wicked sauce. It is a ROCKET FUEL, It left me seeing stars.

I went to see the Old Warsaw town. Saw the World War II fighter planes. Awesome sights and was spell bounded by the castles.
Also went to Auschwitz..the German Concentration camps, the most gruesome concentration camp of the world. These camps are included in UNESCO world heritage sight

PS: Here are the Poland Pics.......

2007-08-16T21:52:00.000+05:30

I guess it's time again for Destiny to sort out the things I had never thought otherwise possible.

It was then, and though it may be too soon to say, so it is now.

I once told Mom the most wonderful faculty we possess is not the power to remember but the facility to forget. I suppose I've turned into a clump of scar tissue as I aged -- the dead membranes clotting into a nothing can hurt or touch. I am unfazed, unmoved, unfeeling. Occasionally, my tears shock me.

But how long can I go on like this?

It's not easy waiting for my 'perfect-ten-princess'. She's unattainable, and secretly, I can wager she does not exist. In a way, I have sealed my fate. My destiny is that -- to wait.

But when I try going easy on that scale, it gets scary. An eight out of ten or a seven and a half is princess enough. I will even bargain on that number.

And once I do, contenders loom from among the dust of fingermarked albums. Some from the grim cogs of memory. Some from the reams of fairytales I have unrepentantly woven -- Cinderellas I have stood up at the stroke of midnight. And Sleeping Beauties I have let lie.

Because then I never had a white horse to ride. Or clinking armour to hide beneath. Because then I never needed those trappings.

You know, I get this awful creepy feeling I might just have passed up my perfect-ten-princess.

Not once.

Not twice.

Not three times.

Always.

Always. Because she doesn't live in a fairytale. She could have been looking over my shoulder, and I might never have known. She may have been encrypting kisses into her drab, and I might never have known. She may have been the one smiling across at me from counters -- at the bank, at the mall, at the airport check-in. And I might never have known. Perhaps I never will. Because my life may just be a semi-ironic story of missed chances. Half-hearted offerings wasted at the altar.

And I find it convenient simply to blame Destiny. Or I may never find the courage to go on. And maybe in the end, it is Destiny who will be my consort. I wonder what she looks like. Going by her antecedents, I shudder to think.

2007-08-08T14:19:00.000+05:30

I hate to admit it, but you inspire me.

2007-08-08T12:53:00.000+05:30

This is probably the end......wait!, no its not. Why the hell its not?

2007-07-24T22:47:00.000+05:30

The second greatest trick that god ever pulled was convincing the world that love exists.

2007-07-16T23:02:00.000+05:30

There is something to be said about emptiness, for something that is not there, there sure is a lot of it around. I wonder why, at the end of the day, thats all what one is left with sometimes. friends, family, relationships, hopes, ambitions, desires and diaries, all fizzle out in sleep. I dont sleep, I nightmare. I see people I luv the most dying. I wake up with a silent shriek and then I reach reality with a sigh of relief. thats what defeats the emptiness I think. the idea that reality is still there and though it might be all a simulation, you are still a constitutive part of it.
To all those, who like me, have always preferred fantasy over the reality, I say, try it out. Its quite reassuring in its own way!
ciao!

Stockholm Prologue

2007-07-13T19:19:00.000+05:30

Tomorrow is the day when I'll be starting the upgrade of the system here. I'll make the upgrade happen, no matter what the show will go on.

Last couple of days in Delhi were not so good, was upset with someone. Thanks to Gary, Puneet, Anki for making me Smile. I have loads to scribble but very less time.

will post the pics soon.

Thanks to everyone for your wishes. Love you all.

.

2007-07-08T13:05:00.000+05:30

I want to write, but my words leave me. They have other thoughts to conquer. I'll leave you silently.

A Thought

2007-07-06T09:46:00.000+05:30

While sleeping last night I had a thought.........
Heartbreak is a good reason for self-expression. I remember, long back I scribbled in Soupz's blog.

Why did it come back?

very prepositional today

2007-07-02T10:31:00.000+05:30

Happiness needs a reason someone said...i don't believe that because today, i just woke up feeling happy. I wonder if people actually feel like this or am i just being too wierd? not that i mind it. have been used to being weird all of the tmie anyway...
happiness...is always around the corner...tum du ra ra da ra ra...

Flickr pro account

2007-06-24T01:05:00.000+05:30

Finally I bought a Flickr pro account

I uploaded almost 100 pics.........wooosh
Sydney Pics
Pushkar and Ajmer Sharrif
Chandigarh

two of the best pics I've clicked

See thru......

2007-06-15T10:02:00.000+05:30

The thing I really hate about myself is my lack of consistency.

There are times when I’m top of the world. Everything I touch turns to gold. Problems seem irrelevant. I see things in ways that others just can’t see. I find so much to be grateful for. I enjoy the sensation of air on my face on a chilly autumn night. Or on a midsummer afternoon I can lie in the sun with my eyes closed and absorb the warmth just letting time slide by. I can lift people with my cheerfulness. Make them smile. Make their day.

And there are times like today when every single thing in the world seems to be crumbling. When everything I take for granted seems illusory. When all the foundations I rely on seem suspect. It’s times like this when I blame myself, despair of finding a soul mate, hate my job for being meaningless, wonder about where exactly I belong and why I don’t feel settled. My future seems hazy and uncertain. My self-confidence is non-existent. And I wallow in my own misery. I feel so alone, isolated, misunderstood. And I want to be by myself but I hate the sound of silence in my room and the deafeningly loud ticking of the clock in the room.

Things I am playing with

2007-06-08T09:07:00.000+05:30

New toys in my goodie bag.

Guitar is Dark Violet Ibanez GRG170DX, has decent humbucker pickups and shark inlays looks awesome.

Amp is Roland Cube 15. Its Lead sounds include Overdrive, Distortion, Metal, and Metal Stack, has a nice Gain control with three equalizer controls. ITS REALLY LOUD.

Living a lie

2007-05-27T23:43:00.000+05:30

The last few weeks have been among the most intense in my life. After few weeks of the seminar.

I don't remember crying so many times in my life.

I wanted to talk about all this with lot of people.....anyways in last few days have shared some of the things with Gary, Anki, Puneet, Mamta n Madonna and will talk about the rest too. Well yes I think she's the one who can understand all this but right now don't feel its the right time to take so much of her time.

Well the presumption is that EVERYTHING that you do and EVERYTHING you say and EVERYTHING that happens to you is significant because it represents a conscious choice that you make. So if you come to class late because your child's bus was delayed (as it was for one participant) it was because she chose to be late. Obviously the lady protested that it was not under her control but then the trainers told her that not only was she a lady who did not respect other people's time (indicating that she did not respect other people indicating that she was arrogant) but that she was a liar (for claiming that she couldn't have been on time even if bus had been on time), a victim (for claiming it was not her fault that the bus was late) and argumentative, insincere and had a craving need to prove to others that she was right (for insisting that she really hadn't intended to be late). Yep... she eventually ended up crying too.

This sort of thing happened with every single sentence that any participant uttered. They asked me how my work was going and I said it wasn't going to well. They asked me why. I hesitated for a second and one of the trainers said "You analyse things too much. You have an incredibly fast mind but it's heavy just now. Because you're so bright you expect to be doing well in your job and so you're going through one of the most frustrating times in your life because you don't understand why. Your education will come in the way of you making the most of the experiences in this class. I also sense a huge sense of loneliness. And what's more... you actually know why you're facing this mind block".

I was stunned at the depth of perception at where I was from just a five second pause in my answer.

If a guy said something politely they would turn on the person and go "I just want you to know that you're not being polite. You're trying to create a nice guy image. This nice guy image makes you think that people will like you but the truth is that you're a wimp with no self respect so you suck up to people and nobody respects you at all. You are NOT A NICE GUY. You are a WIMP!!! Get it?"

Then someone would butt in and say "I don't think you should speak to him like that" and they would be told "You think you're helping him but you're serving your own image of being a guy who needs to rescue people. That makes up for your own crippling sense of insecurity. Not only that but you're actually trying to 'save' him because you think he's incapable of handling the situation. You don't respect him or like him. You're so arrogant it's UNBELIEVABLE.... Sir!" leaving the 'rescuer' red faced and sputtering.

This went on for about two days and the weird thing is that every single statement they made was actually 100% accurate. And although the person being spoken to was generally in denial it was easier for the observers to see that what was being said was the truth. And when they saw this time and time again they started becoming more open to the possibility that when they were being spoken what was being said might be true. And on the third day... people actually started realising that it was.

Then when some level of acceptance started sinking in the leader started examining the causes - "When did you start feeling 'not good enough'? Who made you feel 'not good enough?'" and then the painful things started surfacing. 90% of the times these were incidents that had completely controlled the behaviour of those people and .... they barely remembered those incidents. People who felt that their parents did not think were good enough either developed an inferiority complex that made them quiet and withdrawn or portray an arrogance to prove that they were. People who felt that their parents did not love them were distant and unloving and untrusting in relationships because they were always carrying the fear that they would be let down because they were unloveable. The list went on and on. That's when most people started breaking down and crying. I cried three times just listening to other people's stories.

Listening to the other stories I started understanding my own dysfunction and where it had originated. A whole bunch of disparate threads in my life - my struggle with my job, my string of 'almost' relationships, the way I interact with my family and friends... suddenly came together with stunning clarity.

Ouch!

Well anyway... I was pretty normal run of the mill guy till about 15. In fact I was mediocre. Poor at studies, poor at sports, unknown by my classmates (definitely not by the girls), with no talents or gifts to speak of. I was shy and introverted. I did have some very cute chics start liking me at around 15 and suddenly I became pretty well known in my class. Then at 16 I got the best out of the main subjects but I was still an average student overall. I came 25th out of a class of 50. I was nowhere near good enough to get into a really top tier college in India in 12th Std. The same went on till last few years from where I climbed so high that I left everyone far behind but the rest of my life till now has been dedicated to proving that I'm not a mediocre person. The rest of my life till now has been dedicated to proving that I'm extraordinary.

That's my disfunction. I have to prove to the world that I'm extraordinary. But deep down I'm scared that it's not true and I'm scared that people will find out. Everybody in that room had a dysfunction. That was mine.

How has that affected me and my relationships and my life?

I'm very clever. That's part of the self image I've created over the years subconsciously in my attempt to convince people that I'm extraordinary. It comes across as intellectual arrogance. This is obviously something my subconscious does on purpose. After all if I don't convery to people that I don't respect their brains then how will they know how clever I am? Everything in my life is disected and analysed rather than experienced or felt. I'm very unemotional and at the same time being emotional too..

Because I think I'm smarter than other people I feel I can manipulate people into looking at me the way I want them to. I express sympathy for people in just the right way, say the right things and I break down people and categorise them into pigeon holes. Because I view people as things to be manipulated rather than people to relate to I don't have relationships and I'm very lonely.

I have so called friendships with people who buy my image. People who keep saying 'Wow Ankur is so great' are people I hang with to boost my self image. But because I don't respect them I get tired of hanging out with them. On the other hand I don't hang out with people who I respect because they intimidate me and my sense of superiority. And the other class of people I hang out with are the people who are really really considered cool because I feel that I'm cool by association. So I don't have any real friends.

Because my parents and sister love me unconditionally anyway I don't need to bother myself with being a nice guy and winning them over. With them I'm insensitive and I don't pay them as much attention as I should. I don't even tone my down arrogance with them. With other people at least I make an effort to clothe it very appealing threads so I come across as charismatic and sparky. The sort of person that guys envy. With my family I make no such effort. I'm short and abrubpt and uncaring.

Now With girls: I did not have many relationships, just to prove to myself that I do not want to get into short term relationships and and normal flings ratherto lookout for a long term relationship, enough to boost my ego. N kicked my balls and went to someone who she thought was physically more attractive, professionaly doing well. I now realise that I was so hurt was because in my mind it meant that she preferred someone else to me... ie I was not extraordinary in her eyes. I've hurt and confused K too in this stupid way.

And finally when I actually did go out with someone who was just too nice to walk away from (I tried) I kept comparing her and telling her how she vs different from N and also tht I can make a relationship work like magic but I ended up on my head. Same stuff again clouded my mind; she preferred someone else to me... ie I was not extraordinary in her eyes.

My fear of doing the same job for a long time is actually because I'm afraid that you can't fake 'extraordinariness'. Sooner or later I'm bound to get found out. So I convey things that make people say "Poor Ankur.. he's so extraordinary but an honest principled guy like him can't work in such a crooked environment" or "Pook Ankur.. he's so extraordinary and talented. He could be a writer, singer, anything he wanted. He's so creative that no wonder he's struggling in this sort of brain dead job". That's why I keep holding back from really getting engaged in my job. Because I'm afraid that if I try my best and fail then it'll prove conclusively that I'm ordinary. So I make excuses for not giving my all "How can I work well here when none of the systems work, when all my bosses have no clue what they're doing, etc". And greatest of all till now, I've been working like crazy to reach at the level where I am right now just to prove a point to two people, My Dad, trying to prove to him my past. And to K, my future; Last year in Jan I came to delhi, I promised her something and just to meet that expectation I worked day n night, sometimes with some sleep and there were days without sleep just to complete my promise to her. Past to my Dad, future to K and Present? I lost the present.

This has all been happening at a subconscious level of course. But hearing other peoples stories made me figure out exactly what has been going on. And I realised that far from being an extraordinarily brilliant, altruistic, irrisistible, perfect guy with great people skills I was actually an arrogant manipulator with no relationships in his life he could be proud of and who was spending his entire life trying to keeep a fake image that he deep down was worried was fake and that people would see through.

Which was bad.

But then I remembered all the people I'd hurt along the way... my parents and sis, my exes and K. I remembered how they had put their trust in me and how they had loved me. And how I'd let them down. And that's where I broke down and started crying. And everytime I remembered during the day the pain I'd caused I cried.

I'm such a messed up individual. The only consolation was that everybody was just as screwed up as me if not even more. Everyone has a dysfunction. Few of us have the opportunity to see it as starkly as we were over the last few weeks. I can now see exactly where my life was headed towards and it wasn't a pretty place. Now I'm aware of my subconscious motives I'll make sure that I get over myself.

We walked out of the seminar shaken and stirred but determined to make a difference in the way we were living our lives. As for myself I can see that my life till now has been all about notching up little achievements to make me feel great but which have been hollow because I don't really believe that they're great achievements or that anyone else couldn't have done them and I don't want anyone to know that. My life from here onwards is going to be all about developing my relationships with the people who matter to me and that relationship will be based on me being authentic and real and genuinely caring... and not based on using relationships as the firewood that fuels my blazing self image and keeps it alive. My job is going to stop being about achievements and more about developing love for it and the people who work with me.

Thank you Madonna for showing me who I was being and hinting at who I might be once I strip off all the layers.

My life is about to change.

PS: Madonna hates me for mentioning her here in this space. I am sorry for doing it again :P

Singapore Times

2007-05-23T13:31:00.000+05:30

Finally the presentation went very well. Got a very good feedback.
I really wanted someone to take a picture of me giving the presentation cauz I was at my very best, maybe because of the conversation I had with someone a day back. I really fail to understand how a little 20 mins talk with someone can change a mindset.

2007-05-17T22:40:00.000+05:30

Abused intelligence is a crime. disabused dreams even more so!
today is a funny day - a wierd day of nightmarish realities and dreamy facts.
is it just me or is it the day itself?

2007-05-09T10:37:00.000+05:30

If i told you today that all i need
is a little bit of pampering..
I wonder what you would do?
probably nothing

Back to Life after the Plunge

2007-05-01T09:57:00.000+05:30

The learnings that came out of the 3 days of introspection, through the days that followed talking to certain people.

1. I get more out of life when I participate 100%
2. I can get more out of life when I step out of my comfort zones in relationships and reach out
3. I can get more out of life if I get in touch with my senses and feelings (and others by really listening)
4. When I rebel against being controlled - I'm still being controlled since I'm still not acting autonomously.
5. I don't need to be right all the time. I can compromise much more and be more accepting (even by simply changing my body language)
6. I shouldn't preach to others or try to fix or change them. I should set an example and give advice when asked for it.
7. I sometimes become nervous when my image is put under the microscope. I will be much more confident if I allow myself to make mistakes.
8. Everyone is nice if you get to know them so i shouldn't bitch or hold prejudices against people.
9. I'm going to become a trainer or a coach. Need to figure out the exact mechanics that will get me there.

Shr(i)ek

2007-04-30T09:56:00.000+05:30

Once upon another time...

Seee Through......................

2007-04-17T20:37:00.000+05:30

Why do I put all my most innermost thoughts on public view? Why is that I chat about the most private matters to complete strangers even in real life?

In conversations I find that people I tell about my past loves, failures, deficiencies, insecurities, etc identify and relate. They reciprocate and open up themselves. I make friends amazingly fast. You may respect someone who you think is perfect but you only really like them once you get to know them and complete transparency speeds up that process from years to hours. But why on the net where you don't necessarily make new friends through online journals?

Because anything I write can potentially be read by anyone I have to make sure that I have taken their views into consideration before I write something. This forces me to become less judgmental and more understanding. In writing about Madonna for example I have to think whether I would be comfortable when she reads the stuff. In order for me to be comfortable about her reading this I have to include her side as well. Because I have looked at stuff from other angles it means that in real life I'm far more understanding and less likely to take a biased view. Where I differ from others in my views I'm happy to stand my ground and explain why I differ rather than feeling I need to backtrack or apologise.

What else should I be......

2007-04-14T16:42:00.000+05:30

I probably wanted to jot down these thought or realities at 4 AM yesterday. Slept fine after some days of sleepless nights.

As it was decided in Oz that on going back I'll quit the lil drinking that I always indulged in. I remember keeping the phone abruptly, last friday when maddona called up, I was all high. She was so sweet n concerned for me and wanted me to promise her the dates of my next plunge. I don't even remember what I said and kept the phone down abruptly.
hey I am sorry..... Couldn't talk much after coming back. This is one of the few things I wanted to do. Couldn't talk to her so I am penning it down here for her to read this.

PS. I had very lil beer and more of Guava Juice yest at a cocktail party:D

The main post will follow some time today.....had to rush now.

Last few marriages on the cards

2007-04-09T14:59:00.000+05:30

Praveen got married last week, that was one quick wedding. He came, he married and he will go away.
Congrats buddy.

Gary and Anki will be singing their marriage songs this weekend, that would mark an entry in their "To Do" list as " ~~getting married~~ "

I am happy for them marrying their Cinderellas.

A thought......

2007-04-09T14:45:00.000+05:30

Should I or Should I not or maybe later...... I am sure it would be worth every single penny but it surely is bit costly.

Burgering

2007-04-03T13:39:00.000+05:30

I have been having burgers the whole week, sometimes breakfast-lunch-dinner. I will puke if I have another burger today !

PS: Everyone in my team went out for beer n dinner, I was suppose to join them. I refused n now I am sitting alone cursing my decision. Something is upsetting. I don't want to believe that what I am thinking is what made me upset.

I am in Oz.....Yay !!!!!!!!!

2007-03-28T04:37:00.000+05:30

Mood:Cheerful
Music:Don't know which song playing somewhere down the lobby.

Spoke to one Gorgeous Girl.... She's got this rare ability to perk up my mood no matter how burnt out I might be.... So neways, I was as it is half broken up cause of almost 24 hrs of travel from Delhi to Sydney.... And with a day full of sleeplessness behind me, I was sure feeling like the world was squeezing me right out of it's tube when this Angel kinda drops in and lifts me up an inch at a time.... :)
It's funny (not funny - 'ha ha' but funny - 'strange') how just the presence of a person can make a major impact upon your energy levels.... :) I've long since given up wondering exactly why this happens, but it happens and I can't help myself.... I'll write about this stuff later I guess, It is indeed an interesting phenomenon that requires some attention. :o)

BTW....Motu, did you notice it?

PS: one word to describe Australia----its just beautiful.

Happy Birthday Madonna

2007-03-14T10:18:00.000+05:30

It's been ages, and I've been pushed into work-schedules and... I've been freaked about work and the mythical work-life balance and moreover the real life balance.

Through it all, you have always been to me what none other has. You reinvent yourself with fluid synergy you charm the world around you. Mine included.

You've always been there for me. A hand to hold, a tender word, a muffled sigh, a vocal smile.. There's so much more I've found than I'd expect. There's so much more than even that that's I've been given.

There's always more.. And I should know!
Warm greetings my Madonna , and a wonderful life of joy and heavenly tidings for you I do wish.

Thank you for being part of my little family.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY !

Void

2007-03-14T10:13:00.000+05:30

This is me, just me. Right now I am just a void.

Scary....

2007-03-08T15:56:00.000+05:30

I'll be taking the plunge finally. Tomorrow morning. I wanna write more...maybe when I reach home. Its going to be fun. Lets see, something must be there. Almost everyone I've talked with in last few days are +ve about it. I am the only one thinking otherway around. Yes.......

Embarrassed

2007-03-02T09:50:00.000+05:30

How do you feel when you make fool of yourself..........?

I just did..!!!

2007-02-26T23:09:00.000+05:30

A sudden complement from someone can do such funny things...especially in the middle of bad hair month when your eyes are all puffed up from lack of sleep and you feel like something the cat dragged in last night...and lo! one smile, a good remark and you feel like the whole world is beautiful...!!!!

Thank you madonna.... for what you said in front of so many people...... I was too shy to get up and say "thank you"

THANK YOU.

2007-02-14T13:27:00.000+05:30

My Valentine's D(ism)ay............. :(

Wierd

2007-02-06T13:51:00.000+05:30

Mood: Blah

I wrote a neat, perfect code last week, tested it and it worked fine. Today I was suppose to patch up the production, thought of testing it once more. Darn !!!
Nothing is working right now..... F@#K the servers....F@#K the servers....F@#K the servers....

Friday afternoons.....!

2007-01-19T14:46:00.000+05:30

She was the wall I bounced thoughts and ideas off and when she walked away, they echoed on absently.

Not listening to anything. Just the clatter of the keyboard. About as close to music as it can get when you awake abruptly.

Sweden.....from my viewfinder

2007-01-19T09:04:00.000+05:30

Mood: Blah
Music: Gurgles of my lappy

Some of the pics of my Sweden trip........Here they are

The Blog

2007-01-08T20:13:00.000+05:30

Music: Goin where the wind blows - Mr Big

Lot of people who skim through this space have sent me off liners saying merry things n not merry things. The things that throws them in jitter. One of them is the title of moi Blog "JFU". To someone it sounds like John F Kennedy, to someone it sounded like "REM" and the list goes on n on.

So here it goes to all you guys who wanna plunge into this. I ask you, what is JFU?

PS: Lot more questions coming up..... :)

From Munchen Lounge...

2007-01-02T10:50:00.000+05:30

Finally Blogger allows me to post.

26/12/2006
So the trip came to an end. Three longest week of the recent times. Its been a while since I am back in this workaholic mood.
Had different plans before coming to Sweden, looks like the turmoil just started. Felt so full of life, same time saw it go down the chilly fangs of the sea. Felt so close to some people, suddenly felt drifting apart. I guess its the mind when not at rest, play games. Hahaha and I bloody hate it when all this happens.

In these three weeks few good things happened, yeah they did and I am so happy for few people in my life, of course that includes me too.

Well two nicest people in my life are about to tie a knot. Yes they are getting married, I remember my ears in pain, Anki n me have discussed about it almost for months now and I guess if there were talking points like earning miles by flying I would have got my yearly phone bill waived off. I am so happy for you guys and so desperate to meet both of you. Hahaha and I know she would definitely hesitate to meet me. Why do girls feel so shy when it comes to marriage things. I know this is the only thing both of them wanted and now they are together, I guess how they would be feeling at this moment. Happy? Isn't it everyone's dream to spend your life with the person you want to be with?

So now all are set, Ammu already preparing for his first anniversary, Karan busy in his marriage, shopping greys n black, Gary about to start his new life.

Anyone left? From the fabulous four three are going to be like (three + (three new members))musketeers.

All of them got there Cinderellas, Snow Whites and Sleeping Beauties, their fairytale princesses. Now stop pointing fingers at me.

Update: Met Anki and she proved me wrong.

From Sweden

2006-12-13T21:28:00.000+05:30

I am so f*****in tired.
Loads to say n show from my Sweden diaries.....can anyone lend me some time?

*yawn*

ME++

2006-12-06T14:34:00.000+05:30

Music: Baar Baar Yeah Din aaye - Some old hindi movie

Another anniversary... more age huddled in the secret space of my temples ... more strands of fine wisdom among the decadent black ... more cynicism ... more wanderlust ... more wealth ... more abdominal adipose ... as always.

Too many names to be scattered around here, but everybody who called LONG DISTANCE, wished, loved, hugged, IMd, mailed, Thank you...Thank you very very much. Because it has been a marvelous birthday and it has all been because of you.

On Neurotic notes, things that one resolved on Birthday:
1. Stop searching for white hair. (I wont find it.)
2. Stop thinking that nobody loves me. (Those who matter they do and they have gone beyond everything else to show that.)
3. Stop worrying or worry about knowing that worrying is as effective as solving algebra equations by chewing bubblegum (It wasn't me. Luhrman said it.)
4. Write more. (because that keeps me the happiest.)
5. Thank Him/Her. (Because I have always believed but to day I also make it public knowledge.)

I have blown the candles and am making wishes. Come tell me what you want me to wish for...This Birthday I give out all my love...to all of you...everybody!

Phoren shores

2006-12-05T15:16:00.000+05:30

They say that out of sight is probably out of mind. I have been away from Blagger the last fifteen days...I shudder to think how many minds I have escaped with that out-of-sightedness.

Here is me saying 'hello' from phoren shores.

I am here: Gothenburg

Ex City Calling

2006-11-20T16:00:00.000+05:30

Last few hours in Pune.

Mama I'm coming home........

This n That

2006-11-16T14:40:00.000+05:30

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, there lived, in an enchanted castle, a prince who was cursed to be a beast till he found in his heart, to be in love and be loved in return. Far away from that kingdom, in a little provincial French town, lived a girl who spent her days with her hair in a simple knot, her feet in dainty black shoes and her nose buried in books, and dreamt of adventures, of far away lands and of Beanstalks and ogres. They were as different as they ever could be and yet, in the hands of destiny, their paths crossed and both learnt to look beyond the obvious – to transcend the apparent, and find in kind eyes, gentle smiles and silent tears, the dreams and desires, the hopes and joys, the love and affection that hides in all of us.

Against all odds, they came together, to be bound in love – Beauty and the Beast. And as they loved and grew in friendship and affection; as they learnt to love and loved to learn more about each other, the iron chains of enchantment slowly gave way and they were united, the cursed prince and the bookish belle, in love that lasts for happily ever after, into the sunset and beyond.

And in that age old tale where the tune is as old as time, the song as old as rhyme, there resides a fount of hope, love and butterflies in the chest. Surely it is strange for a twenty six year old man to watch animated characters out of a fairy tale of old, and to weep and smile and stare in the space as the music plays. Surely, it is wrong for an adult to look at a children’s tale in pastel colours and learn to live, love and hope. Surely, it is not usual for a rational grown up to think in fairy tales and see his life in strokes of fantasy. And yet, strange, wrong or unusual as it might be, there was a ninety minute of losing who I am, of forgetting the way things are; There was an hour and a half of losing myself and becoming a child, and yet weeping in adult tears, as I saw Disney’s Beauty and the Beast last night. For the span of those trickling minutes I was everyone and none at the same time and in the middle of the night, stared at the sky that peeks into my window to search for Pinocchio stars of hope.

It might be irrational and you might laugh. But tonight, when I sleep I shall make a wish and hope that eyelashes, like gleeful dandelions will float to fairyland and make the wish come true. This is not about chasing rainbows and conjuring unicorns. It is not about wishing and creating life in dreams and running away from reality. This is about faith. Because when all else fails, faith keeps us going. And I have faith that good things happen to good people. And I am not too bad. So here goes…
Star light, Star Bright
The First star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
That my wish shall come true tonight.

*blows gently and close my eyes*
Show me dreams but don’t wake me too harshly. Tread gently, it might be my dreams that you are stepping on.

ponder ponder

2006-11-07T12:35:00.000+05:30

Music: Jerry Mcguire OST

If i had a dream and you had a dream and both dreamt of each other, how would we know who was dreaming whom and who was more real than the other?
If you woke up whiile dreaming of me even as i dreamt of you, would i disappear? and if i disappeared, then how can you, a part of my dream, still be around?
ponder ponder

2006-11-01T12:39:00.000+05:30

Sigh !
If someone asked me right now , happiness where are you? i would say, right here, right now.
Dreams do come true. Thanks to my pint sized friend. She's the one who made me see those and never laughed on them, and here I am. Just one to go now.

Thanks K.

Questions

2006-10-28T17:04:00.000+05:30

Mood: Blah
Music: Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd

Just when you think you are getting closer to the answers, someone goes and changes the questions.

Take this

2006-10-23T16:37:00.000+05:30

Music: Miles Away

Whenever you do potty
May your ass burn in hell
May it sting till eternity
And never soothe, be it Burnol, Ghee, or Gel!

Diwali blues

2006-10-19T13:26:00.000+05:30

Mood: Nostalgic
Music: Stairway to heaven - Led Zepplin

Far away from home and not with family n friends mean a lot in these times. Nostalgia and mush hit me today, here is a bit of poetry to balance that.

All you who sleep tonight
Far from the ones you love,
No hand to left or right
And emptiness above -

Know that you aren't alone
The whole world shares your tears,
Some for two nights or one,
And some for all their years.

Because Diwali is not about lamps and lights and sweets and holidays. It is about belonging, accepting, loving, caring...et al.

Goodmorning everyone !!!

2006-10-17T09:53:00.000+05:30

Mood: Happy
Music: Everybody Hurts - REM

A sudden complement from somebody can do such funny things...especially on a bad hair day when your eyes are all puffed up from lack of sleep and you feel like something the cat dragged in last night...and lo! one smile, a good remark and you feel like the whole world is beautiful...!!!!
Good morning everybody,.it holds the promise of being a beautiful day...

I am dead

2006-10-14T20:44:00.000+05:30

Mood: Do I need to tell
Music: REM - Find the river

Its been 28 straight hours for my ass pinned down in my cube......I am almost done with the work. I don't want to go home now. A truck load of Linen awaits my footsteps.

So many things to pen down......I'll be back.....soon.

2006-10-14T10:46:00.000+05:30

You can't lose what you don't have,

I can lose what i want,
I want you!

Epiphany

2006-10-13T18:04:00.000+05:30

Mood: Tired
Music: Flying in a blue Dream - Joe Satriani

Actions speak louder than ~~words~~ thoughts.

2006-10-10T12:31:00.000+05:30

Mood: Blah
Music: Kite - U2

Its a confused sort of a day...it has not yet decided what it wants to be. scattered clouds triumph temporarily over a jubilant sun and there is a constant sense of struggle and suspense...who shall win? what will the day be? and i quite empathize with the day. becuase i feel like it so many times. so many eons have been spent in agonizing over which way to branch out. it must be tough for trees too, to decide which way to go, but they at least have the comfort of the knowledge that they are going up. no, i am not depressed, just wondering what the day will choose for itself. becuase after all, it all boils down to what we choose doesnt it???

The lost me...

2006-10-05T18:01:00.000+05:30

I am feeling lonely. Yes, I know that is like a monthly refrain now,but to day is that day. I am suddenly feeling extremely unwanted and unloved (I think it must be the distances between the people who matter. Geography sucks and I always knew it!) It is a miserably mournful feeling to suddenly start going through the phone book in order to see if there is anybody I can tap on and say, 'hug me' because I need one...and thats where the misery starts. When one realizes that no sirreee! there is no such person around, not right now.

New places (even if they are just old places being rediscovered) are scary. I have been meeting up with new people but somehow (I think it is the early arrival of old age) these meetings have no charm, no excitement, absolutely no fun left. I feel empty and unfulfilled all the time.

Friends are being perfectly pathetic. Ms Star TV is as usual so selflessly immersed in her own self and doing that the lesser said the better, who's life now revolves not beyond the soap operas but with the so called shiny stars of these soap operasss. Do I come come any closer to them for her to even think of me....Nahhh!

Newly Bloated (Anki)(poor thing, she has resorted to diets I guess) is working most of the time, the days at the office, the nights in her imagination, well I know what she is going through these days. But still hello..will you wake up and call me.

Mr Orion is in a 'I hate the world' phase. Abe C get out of it and help me out first.

What else? ya...I was waiting for a call from Ms Star TV - a promised call mind you, and it still hasn't come. Grrrrrrrr *snarls in anger*

Our Arnold Joshi, The only married guy around us seems to be struggling with the weight...of course not of his wife but of the new life...He is just so lost that I hope I can be of any help to him to help me. Or is it the married life does this to someone?

The whoreassed bastardous Mr Manager has not returned my attempts at calling him in about one week - and I have sent him messages and tried to call him every fucking day of this one week *slightly over exaggerated* And now I hate him and...erggghhhhh somebody kick him in his balls! Fuckin scorp head did not even reply with thanks for the B'Day msg I left for him.

The lovely Ms k also seem to be in hibernation but well I don't think I can ask for anything more from her or should I, damm she's the one who was always around any time of the day or rather there was no clock involved. Still...... yes...should I?.... huuuu :( :) what...?

And as per my roommate, I need sex. The only answer he has to any question under the sun.

Is that it....? Yes the list is over.....!

I have gone back to not sleeping - I was hoping that a change of locales will cure it- But now I sit owl eyed in front of the computer and stare at the fucking screen and fucking nothing comes to me. And it is fucking fucking! There is such a relief in saying fucking.

Ya, thats about it. Life seems at a standstill right now. Ranting over. Everybody breathe now.

Awe

2006-09-27T11:10:00.000+05:30

It was a day that hung like the dot under an ! mark. Round and suspended and full of jabs in the sides and pokes in the ribs as people pointed out the thisness and thatness of the much and such life.

When everything was suppose to be going fine, something new started......
It started almost 2 yrs back, Heard lot of ohhs and ahhhs all around. Consulted almost every doctor I can put my hands on to. Checked their degrees , no of yrs on thier back, the way they want to treat me, yes I also tried to see how good are the nurses in their clinics like a fringing interviewer.
I was happy to get one sweet doctor who actually listened to me like a new found lover who just want to listen to all the agonies and other stuff too. She gave me lot of confidence, so since then when everything seem to get back in shape I noticed something and duuuh. I want to be back.

The reason? I know it all. I was late in realizing it but I did http://my-aura.blogspot.com/2006/04/pearls-game-life.html#links , http://my-aura.blogspot.com/2006/06/changes.html#links, http://my-aura.blogspot.com/2006/04/nuts-n-nutties.html#links followed it but still couldn't get out http://my-aura.blogspot.com/2006/05/rain-tractor.html#links though most of the time the memories were sweet http://my-aura.blogspot.com/2006/06/felafel-sandwich.html#links.

I am happy to have people around me who can light up thousand bulbs to show me the way and make me smile.

Back from Goa and do I feel lighter now?

2006-09-25T13:22:00.000+05:30

Mood: Yay... Goa ROX
Music: out of my head - Fastball

Goa was pure fun....! Don't wanna write about the trip now, maybe later in short snippets of my harrowing thoughtfulness or would I say, the churning that went thru my mind.

Have been sorting it out and have, I think, came to terms with it.

‘Couldn't sleep all night last night, because of it.’
I am happy today. Sometimes confronting people and situations can actually lead to a resolutions of a kind. There is a sense of release today and I am happy.

Hope it continues like this.....

Floating on

2006-09-17T03:32:00.000+05:30

I had shivers running across my outstretched hand, as I fiddled with my phone and heard an absent clock chime unseen nocturnal hours. It had been so long when the call had come through at night

'It's me'
I knew. I knew the voice. It didn't need a name. It was a voice I had once grown to wake up to. It was a voice that I used to snuggle up to, late in the night, when after work I slid into the darkness of the warm bed.

'How are you?'
Why do we always deal in inane questions at the most important moments in life?

The other side sounded like good ol pal who just kept the phone few hours back and called up again to check how I am.
I wanted to ask why and I did.
'i called you because....'

I feel like a message in a bottle. Afloat but not sure where I am going to go!

For the record

2006-09-05T16:21:00.000+05:30

Despite all the odds. She's the one I will always respect and care.

Decisions

2006-09-02T16:15:00.000+05:30

Music: Wild Horses - Rolling Stones

I was trying to get to sleep but I suddenly got this massive insight that I just had to record.

It's just that all the decisions we think are critical - which college to join, which company to work for, who to marry, where to live, etc - they're all completely irrelevant. They can completely change the path you take admittedly but that's not important. The really important decisions are the ones you make in every moment in your life that determine your attitude to living. They are the ones you don't even notice yourself making at the time.

Investing in a penthouse with a beautiful view of the sea is not a big decision. Deciding to go for a walk on the beach at midnight is. Sending your kid to the most expensive school is not a big decision. Deciding to stop your work for a second to answer your son's question about ghosts is. Marrying the woman from the right family and with the right looks is not a big decision. Deciding to send roses to her office for no reason at all is.

The most important moments are not the ones where you decide to think about how to maximise your entire life but those those individual moments you live to the fullest.

The Weekend Trail

2006-08-29T13:24:00.000+05:30

Music: To be with you - Mr Big

This weekend I got up early and was quick to decide to go for a trip to Mahabaleshwer. It surely was one pending for a while. Well I did go there, all packed up.
The journey was amazing with beautiful winding roads, lush green fields around with quite a few waterfalls. This is what Shayadri Range is famous for.
On the way there's a small town 'Panchgani', famous for its boarding schools and well yes this town does have lots of boarding schools all around.
Reached the serene and beautiful town of Mahabaleshwer well in time to take it all on my foot but it rained and it just rained. The worst was yet to come.
I couldn't get any accommodation in hotels there as they all refused to let in any single occupancy. WTF. The reason given was as absurd as this incident. came back the same night.
I just don't know where are we heading towards.....
Next time would plan well in advance.

Catch some of the pics here

The Journey

2006-08-19T16:58:00.000+05:30

Music: Hard to Handle - The Black Crows

Back from a journey from the land of my childhood and a place where I've spent a quarter of a century - Delhi. Met all my pals except few. Well too much restrain in life, sometimes.

Here are some of the pics.

Ammu's happily married, about as settled as settled is. Happily doubling in size everytime I see him. Would have loved to spent more time with him.
Gary was the busiest of the lot. Though always trying to sneak in few hours for our chit chat and a had a great weekend trip with him.
Anki claims she's bored but she's very happy and as pretty as ever. Going to change her job soon and pretty excited about it too..
Mamta, One of the oldest pal.... always bubbling n smiling. I disturbed her at the wee hours but always found her smiling. She's always ready to be on your side, anytime you need.
Was happy to hear Puneet getting married. Thts the way to go dude.
Praveen. He's always been an inspiration, be it anything; Studies, guitar, life any damm thing under the sun. Did not get to meet him.... He’s happily settled in Seattle.
Nice to meet you Richa after a long time. You and Ashish make an awesome couple :).
Lovely Sis to kid around with, Parents were happy.
And thanks to everyone else who made this trip a special one.

I'm somewhere in the middle I think. All of us are ok though. It was fantastic meeting up and chatting to them about what's been happening in their lives. I remember at our farewell party in School someone said that friends are like wine... the older they get the better they taste. I laughed at the 'cliche'ness then but its right. There's a warmth and comfort that comes from meeting people who you've seen evolve and yet at the same time who you've seen stay the same. Sort of like Monet's 'Cathedral of Rouen' paintings that show the same building at different times of the day in different lighting. That sort of time lapse perspective is just not there with friends you've only known a while... no matter how much you like them and how easily you can talk to them.

The journey was short though long and made longer by tedious repetitive thoughts about her and myself. Again caught between on the one hand thinking that I should force myself to get over myself and be friends with her despite everything and on the other hand just wanting to forget about it all. I stood by her when she was having a bad time. When the dust settled, she treated me like crap. Now that she's fine and I'm beginning to think that she never really cared for me at all... I feel like I've earned the right to think about my own feelings. Not only that but it's almost like I'll feel uncomfortable having a really good time and doing well if she's there because part of me doesn't want her to feel bad about choosing him. It's all a bit messy in my head just now. I don't know. It's the one blot in my life at the moment.

Back to Pune and there's no one to kid around with. Sky has changed colour. Bluesh Grey as opposed to the usual Light Blue. Very pretty under the white puffy clouds, exhausted of their burden, scurrying away now. Play the guitar for a while. Have dinner out at a Chinese restaurant and write my journal.

4 more days....

2006-08-11T11:23:00.000+05:30

Music: Nothing

11 days in Delhi.....1700 Kms of driving. Weight up by 3 kgs, thanks to the people responsible(Pun intended).
Could not sleep last night, something that happened few months back kept me awake.
Finally it was 5 in the morning. Went to a place I always wanted to go with her. Beautiful Hymes of Ek Omkar prayer spell bounded me. Though it was just my second visit to Gudwara Bangla Saheb in my 25 years of stay in delhi, I promised myself to go there more regularly.
Met Guruji too...... He was shell shocked to see me, well actually shocked to see the long strands :) and he loved it too.
The cyber cafes here are pain now....... the page keeps on getting refereshed automatically and I cannot take this anymore. Blah. They don't allow you to upload pictures from cam too. :(
I would be flying back to Pune on 16th Aug..... Hope to meet the rest in these 4 days :)

Stunned....!!!!!

2006-08-04T23:24:00.000+05:30

Guess who........ ?

Delhi Calling

2006-07-27T10:11:00.000+05:30

Music: Mama I'm coming home - Ozzy

After prolonged 6 months, I'm gonna be in Delhi tomorrow evening.....its gonna be a long vacation.
Excitied to meet everyone.... Everyone means everyone. Did you get it :)

Anyone wanna join in for a coffee w/wo cow milk, Beer, Pizzas, momos, wanna jammin incase you have an extra guitar, I not carrying mine this time or just wanna hangout somewhere call me on

my delhi # 9868539117
my pune# 09923076236

I might also be hitting for a roadtrip to shivpuri for white water rafting. Lemme know incase anyone wanna club in.

You can catch all the action happenin on my flickr photostream

See u all in Deeeeelhi.

My Best foot forward

2006-07-22T20:42:00.000+05:30

Music: Stairway to heaven

I notice that when no one's looking, I occasionally dance a furtive step or two. That would make me a bathroom dancer. The bathroom, as we all know and do not admit, is the temple of all art. It is the one place that provides such security and comfort that inhibitions go gurgling down the drain. Look at me, for instance. I'm a bathroom singer and I'm a bathroom dancer. As a bathroom painter my fingers can't resist foggy mirrors. I'm a bathroom installation artist; my finely directed streams do things with naphthalene balls in urinals that Marcel Duchamp could only dream of. I'm even a bathroom toreador -- once on a trek, I was relieving myself on a grassy slope when a bull snorted, "That was my lunch, mister!" and charged at me. In fact, coming clean, I seem to be a whole academy of bathroom arts.

Now that I'm out of the closet: anyone for a dance? I'm not very good, but I promise to put my best foot forward. And perhaps I could teach you a move or two with the towel.

The Movie..... and the emotion

2006-07-15T16:11:00.000+05:30

Music: Angie - Rolling Stones

I watched a hindi movie in a theatre after quite some time. There must be someone out there in the world whose favourite film is 'Fanaa', but not me.

Did any of you notice that all the dialoges written for Kajol's son (Rehan Jr.) were in 3rd Person. What a crap !

The autorickshaw driver halted at my gate, fished his wallet out to give me change. He had a picture of his wife there, a gentle reminder to me that we have lives outside our current roles. It helps to feel membership with that web of humanity, to quietly acknowledge our fragility and move on. I received the change with respect and affection.

Despondent ?

2006-07-09T00:18:00.000+05:30

Music: I ain't a nice guy after all - Motorhead(Acoustic version)

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond that glints on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle Autumn rain
When you awaken in the morning hush
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the stars that shine at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there, I did not die...

-American Indian verse

Felafel Sandwich

2006-06-29T20:54:00.000+05:30

Music: Out of my head - Fastball

Yesterday had Felafel Sandwich. It took me back in memory lanes.

She got felafel made for me. Nicely packed. She couldn't get Peta bread so got bread loaves..Hahaha... tht was cute. How neatly she kept those felafels on the loaf and ensured that lot of hammas goes in too and me an idiot guy, never asked her if she'd want to eat. I think I finished most of the felafels and gave her just one. She just sat there watching......

I guess sometimes you just laugh and cry at the same time. "/>

Fishing

2006-06-24T13:29:00.000+05:30

Music: Don't think twice (it's alright)-Bob Dylan

I want to learn fishing. Not now, not necessarily soon. But sometime. I want to sit on a jetty with a friend. Someone who is comfortable with silences. Someone who is comfortable away from noisy discos and clubs. Someone who is comfortable with nature and above all someone who is comfortable with idling. I want to spend a week there on that jetty from early morning to sleeping time. And think about stuff… about hopes and fears and strengths and weaknesses, about successes and failures, about fun and romance and love and marriage, about friends and parents and career and success and pressures, about religion and the possibility of life on other planets, about ethics and temptations, about overcoming demons that reside within, about growing up and coming to terms with oneself, about change, about our quest to find ourselves and to find meaning, about the shapes of clouds and about the differences between fruits and vegetables, about favourite movies and books, about colours and what they signify and the most creative insight we ever had, about hobbies and special moments, about sand and sea, about fishing and cooking fish, about vegetarianism and ecology and what being an Indian means, about our families and how backgrounds influence us. I want to talk about tonnes of stuff.

Sleep...

2006-06-15T16:30:00.000+05:30

Mood: Bitchy
Music: We can work it out - Beatles

Yesterday night my roomie went to office at 2 AM just to get some sleep.
Damm... I think I was really loud.
Don't remember when I last snored but yesterday was the day when the other person had to leave the house.

F**K.......!!!

Changes

2006-06-10T12:04:00.000+05:30

Music: Crave - Nuno Bettencourt

Most of you, some even more than others, will find a kinship with these thoughts, you don't have to read them if you're weak of heart. :)

There are some nasty edges about life that I've never been able to work my way around. At times, just living on the edge tends to soften the aches. It's avoidance really, but sometimes, when you least expect it, it all piles down on you and you shudder under its weight.

I've spent a lifetime regretting my decisions, decisions I thought were incredibly intelligent at the time. I look back at my life now, What do I see? It's a mess, a shambles, but I love it. Without it, I would'nt be who I am today. I'm a quarter of a century + 1 old now, and at best, that's perhaps a third of my operating lifespan.

I've seen things, I've learnt things, I've regretted some of it.... But I feel superior in the knowledge that I know I messed up somewhere.... :o) My life's given me an edge over others in some ways, while it's pushed me under the water-table in other ways.... Yet, when I look back, I feel a strange sense of happiness that draws itself over my chin....

I think I'm not as much of an asshole as I thought I was.... I'm alive, and I'm moving in some direction.... Whatever it may be, I'm sure of one thing, I'm strange, I'm different, I hope to make a difference.... If I could go back in time and change something about my life, I would'nt be able to bring myself to change anything. I know it might do me good later, I know it would help if I could, but my life is riveted the way it is, I'm a sucker for avoiding pre-change. :o)

Rain, the tractor....

2006-05-27T18:41:00.000+05:30

It finally rained ..... it changed everything around.
I can almost see a quarter of Pune from the balcony outside my office floor. Could see the city getting washed while the same old tractor blaring around.

I still feel the pain....Still do. That tractor reminded me of something... They still trickle down. I still hope.

2006-05-18T20:35:00.001+05:30

Music: The Scientist - Coldplay

Remember the famous line "When was the last time you did something for the first time ?"
Well, uptill now it was all about firsts and it has been the best time of my life so far. This point onwards, I will need to work hard to keep all those firsts going and make sure none of them die out.

White Light

2006-05-13T22:47:00.000+05:30

Mood: Chirpy
Music: Neil Finn - Dont Dream It's Over

I remember this time when I was discussing music with Ritz a couple of years ago.

"What do you think your voice would taste like?" I asked her
"What do you mean?"
"I think my voice would taste like ground coconut and banana. They're not overpowering tastes. I think my voice is sort of simple. But it has a subtle texture."
She nodded understanding.
"I think it has a tinge of honey too", she said
I blushed slightly at the compliment
"What does your voice taste like?"
"Well I think it tastes like watermelon"
"Watermelon?"
"Yes. A watermelon"
I nodded sombrely.

I'm laughing hysterically remembering the conversation.

But there are one or two days when I wonder if I'm missing out on the full spectrum of human emotions. Seriousness, sadness, etc. I don't think I have ever seen them in their unadulterated state. I'm glad that I've get myself into disappointments and heartbreaks. I think I've been coloured by those experiences to an extent but I've gained a greater appreciation for what it might be like.

I have a feeling that once you've seen the full spectrum and you take all those experiences and mix them together in some sort of collective wisdom hue - the shade will be 'fun'.

I don't think I'm missing out on that much. I need to understand what other people see but my world is bathed in this really nice natural warm bright sunlight. It's got everything. I need to live and grow.

Wondering Aloud.....

2006-05-07T21:54:00.000+05:30

Mood: Contemplative
Music: Metallica - Mama Said

I wonder if we grow maudlin with time... Here's something I would've shuddered at a couple of years back, something that happened.... but now I just smile indulgently and find sweet:

I climbed up the door
opened the stairs
I said my pajamas
and put on my prayers
I switched off the bed
and climbed in the light
all because she kissed me goodnight.

(But it still doesn't scan too well!)

The exhalated weekend

2006-04-30T18:34:00.000+05:30

Mood: Bouncy
Music: Jara Nazar Uttha Ke Dekho - Silk Route

last week while sitting at my terrace, drenched in my insane thoughts about some words uttered by someone. Recieved a phonecall.... "Hiiiieeee Ankur.. its me Mamta, sun whatever you'r doing on next weekend, cancel it cauz I am goin to come to Pune to meet you." chatted for another 5 mins and then went back to sleep with a smile... One of my best pals would be here....

Finally had a blast after a long time......though a small trip to Lonavala and Khandala but would surely go into memories.
The best thing was we got our caricatures made by a local artist sitting at one of the points in Khandala. Yes we did manage to attract some crowd while the sketch was in making. Walt Disney...here we come !

Damm!!! busy day and work is forcing me to get back to my code......... Gosh had so much to write!

Nuts n Nutties

2006-04-25T10:39:00.000+05:30

Mood: Bouncy
Music: Alive-Pearl Jam

There was a time when I thought people were rational. I'd analyse their actions and figure out why they said the words they said and did the deeds they did and thought the thoughts that they thought.

And life was confusing.

Then I realised that everyone else is a little nuts. And I forgave them. And life became a little easier.

But I then wondered why I said the words I said and did the deeds I did and thought the thoughts I thought.

And I struggled to live up to my own standards. I berated myself for my mistakes and weaknesses.

Then I realised that I'm a little nuts too. And I forgave myself.

And now life's a piece of cake.