10 Highlights of my life
These aren’t things I’ve done, since there’s barely any worth mentioning, but simply significant points in my life.
1 . At age 8, contemplated suicide. Didn’t have the gall to pull it off. Decided instead to live to 90+. I suspect there were a few years between these two, but memory fails.
2. Also at age 8, learnt a new word in English class: ‘vow’. The chapter was on Sarojini Naidu taking a vow in the years leading to India’s independence. Fascinated, decided to test drive one. Vowed against cruelty to animals, where the definition of ‘animal’ extended to anything living and not a plant. Spent several years rescuing ants from the toilet bowl before realising that perfect compliance was impossible. Have never squashed a cockroach.
3. Somewhere in the middle of a lonely childhood, one Diwali, on the terrace, some kids remarked that it would be funny if a sparkler fell on the kid below, and I promptly threw mine. I missed, but the horror lasted years.
4. In the same period, was struck by the most brilliant insight ever. If I never lied, there could be no guilt when accused of it. Spent several years getting accustomed to the sting of full disclosure before realising that perfect compliance was impossible. “How are you feeling?” “I’m fine.” There. And what if your silence creates a false impression? Is that then a wordless lie? Being truthful requires being proactive, not reactive. I’m not there yet.
5. At age 12, let computers fill the void of a peer group. At 16, tired of programming in BASIC, decided I was going to work on the metal. Took to writing 8086 assembler code, soon upgraded to the 32-bit world. Learnt enough about processors and operating systems. In 1996, discovered the world beyond the telephone line. Got nearly thrown out of home for a Rs. 500 phone bill. Spent two years on borrowed modems before getting my own.
6. Was scared off by my Hindi teacher in 10th Std that I would be the only one in the school's history to flunk. I passed not with flying colors but certainly did.
7. Was 16 when I finally figured out how babies are made. They had taught us all about how sperm fertilises egg in school, but the mysterious part was how sperm got in the neighbourhood of an egg in the first place. Sex was something that only happened on Star Movies. Figured Indians didn’t care for it, and I must be a freak to have a sex drive at all. Tough had lot of friends to discuss it with. Took an awful lot of thinking to figure it out, and then the world collapsed. Horror at discovering that that very vile, disgusting, taboo act was responsible for my existence, and then outrage at society for keeping me out of such an important secret.
8. Took Eco (H), courtesy some of the influntial people in my relations. Found out to my horror that I am equally weak in calculating National Income as I was in writting in Hindi. Thankfully I gave it up and got along with my long lost Computer.
9. After three years of fighting with my innerself for the life that I wanted to have, With the help of some friends managed to get hold of myself and kept the faith in ammass knowledge that I acquired. I got into what I was destined to do. Finally.
10a. R fell in love with me, though she had too much to give in, I tumbled here and there, could not decide what to say and what to do. She finally said goodbye after 2 years. Later I surely missed her but I knew that she did the right thing .
10b. Fell in love with a girl I didn’t want to be in love with. Couldn’t understand why I was thinking of her all the time. Didn’t know anyone but her to turn to for help. Bad idea. A year of terrible pain followed. Suspect it hurt her as much as me, possibly. I counted the days until I spent one without thinking of her. The mention of her name still jolts. N, if you are reading this, would you like to comment?
10c. Didn’t fall in love with the girl who rescued me. Didn’t want to be associated with her. Couldn’t run. She permeated my life, brought in clarity like a hot cup of coffee on a fogged morning. It took a few month's absence to make me realise how much I missed her. To make me want her again. To be together again.
And that’s my list. Much thanks to few people for helping recover some of these from a past I had chosen to forget.
1 . At age 8, contemplated suicide. Didn’t have the gall to pull it off. Decided instead to live to 90+. I suspect there were a few years between these two, but memory fails.
2. Also at age 8, learnt a new word in English class: ‘vow’. The chapter was on Sarojini Naidu taking a vow in the years leading to India’s independence. Fascinated, decided to test drive one. Vowed against cruelty to animals, where the definition of ‘animal’ extended to anything living and not a plant. Spent several years rescuing ants from the toilet bowl before realising that perfect compliance was impossible. Have never squashed a cockroach.
3. Somewhere in the middle of a lonely childhood, one Diwali, on the terrace, some kids remarked that it would be funny if a sparkler fell on the kid below, and I promptly threw mine. I missed, but the horror lasted years.
4. In the same period, was struck by the most brilliant insight ever. If I never lied, there could be no guilt when accused of it. Spent several years getting accustomed to the sting of full disclosure before realising that perfect compliance was impossible. “How are you feeling?” “I’m fine.” There. And what if your silence creates a false impression? Is that then a wordless lie? Being truthful requires being proactive, not reactive. I’m not there yet.
5. At age 12, let computers fill the void of a peer group. At 16, tired of programming in BASIC, decided I was going to work on the metal. Took to writing 8086 assembler code, soon upgraded to the 32-bit world. Learnt enough about processors and operating systems. In 1996, discovered the world beyond the telephone line. Got nearly thrown out of home for a Rs. 500 phone bill. Spent two years on borrowed modems before getting my own.
6. Was scared off by my Hindi teacher in 10th Std that I would be the only one in the school's history to flunk. I passed not with flying colors but certainly did.
7. Was 16 when I finally figured out how babies are made. They had taught us all about how sperm fertilises egg in school, but the mysterious part was how sperm got in the neighbourhood of an egg in the first place. Sex was something that only happened on Star Movies. Figured Indians didn’t care for it, and I must be a freak to have a sex drive at all. Tough had lot of friends to discuss it with. Took an awful lot of thinking to figure it out, and then the world collapsed. Horror at discovering that that very vile, disgusting, taboo act was responsible for my existence, and then outrage at society for keeping me out of such an important secret.
8. Took Eco (H), courtesy some of the influntial people in my relations. Found out to my horror that I am equally weak in calculating National Income as I was in writting in Hindi. Thankfully I gave it up and got along with my long lost Computer.
9. After three years of fighting with my innerself for the life that I wanted to have, With the help of some friends managed to get hold of myself and kept the faith in ammass knowledge that I acquired. I got into what I was destined to do. Finally.
10a. R fell in love with me, though she had too much to give in, I tumbled here and there, could not decide what to say and what to do. She finally said goodbye after 2 years. Later I surely missed her but I knew that she did the right thing .
10b. Fell in love with a girl I didn’t want to be in love with. Couldn’t understand why I was thinking of her all the time. Didn’t know anyone but her to turn to for help. Bad idea. A year of terrible pain followed. Suspect it hurt her as much as me, possibly. I counted the days until I spent one without thinking of her. The mention of her name still jolts. N, if you are reading this, would you like to comment?
10c. Didn’t fall in love with the girl who rescued me. Didn’t want to be associated with her. Couldn’t run. She permeated my life, brought in clarity like a hot cup of coffee on a fogged morning. It took a few month's absence to make me realise how much I missed her. To make me want her again. To be together again.
And that’s my list. Much thanks to few people for helping recover some of these from a past I had chosen to forget.
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