Living a lie
The last few weeks have been among the most intense in my life. After few weeks of the seminar.
I don't remember crying so many times in my life.
I wanted to talk about all this with lot of people.....anyways in last few days have shared some of the things with Gary, Anki, Puneet, Mamta n Madonna and will talk about the rest too. Well yes I think she's the one who can understand all this but right now don't feel its the right time to take so much of her time.
Well the presumption is that EVERYTHING that you do and EVERYTHING you say and EVERYTHING that happens to you is significant because it represents a conscious choice that you make. So if you come to class late because your child's bus was delayed (as it was for one participant) it was because she chose to be late. Obviously the lady protested that it was not under her control but then the trainers told her that not only was she a lady who did not respect other people's time (indicating that she did not respect other people indicating that she was arrogant) but that she was a liar (for claiming that she couldn't have been on time even if bus had been on time), a victim (for claiming it was not her fault that the bus was late) and argumentative, insincere and had a craving need to prove to others that she was right (for insisting that she really hadn't intended to be late). Yep... she eventually ended up crying too.
This sort of thing happened with every single sentence that any participant uttered. They asked me how my work was going and I said it wasn't going to well. They asked me why. I hesitated for a second and one of the trainers said "You analyse things too much. You have an incredibly fast mind but it's heavy just now. Because you're so bright you expect to be doing well in your job and so you're going through one of the most frustrating times in your life because you don't understand why. Your education will come in the way of you making the most of the experiences in this class. I also sense a huge sense of loneliness. And what's more... you actually know why you're facing this mind block".
I was stunned at the depth of perception at where I was from just a five second pause in my answer.
If a guy said something politely they would turn on the person and go "I just want you to know that you're not being polite. You're trying to create a nice guy image. This nice guy image makes you think that people will like you but the truth is that you're a wimp with no self respect so you suck up to people and nobody respects you at all. You are NOT A NICE GUY. You are a WIMP!!! Get it?"
Then someone would butt in and say "I don't think you should speak to him like that" and they would be told "You think you're helping him but you're serving your own image of being a guy who needs to rescue people. That makes up for your own crippling sense of insecurity. Not only that but you're actually trying to 'save' him because you think he's incapable of handling the situation. You don't respect him or like him. You're so arrogant it's UNBELIEVABLE.... Sir!" leaving the 'rescuer' red faced and sputtering.
This went on for about two days and the weird thing is that every single statement they made was actually 100% accurate. And although the person being spoken to was generally in denial it was easier for the observers to see that what was being said was the truth. And when they saw this time and time again they started becoming more open to the possibility that when they were being spoken what was being said might be true. And on the third day... people actually started realising that it was.
Then when some level of acceptance started sinking in the leader started examining the causes - "When did you start feeling 'not good enough'? Who made you feel 'not good enough?'" and then the painful things started surfacing. 90% of the times these were incidents that had completely controlled the behaviour of those people and .... they barely remembered those incidents. People who felt that their parents did not think were good enough either developed an inferiority complex that made them quiet and withdrawn or portray an arrogance to prove that they were. People who felt that their parents did not love them were distant and unloving and untrusting in relationships because they were always carrying the fear that they would be let down because they were unloveable. The list went on and on. That's when most people started breaking down and crying. I cried three times just listening to other people's stories.
Listening to the other stories I started understanding my own dysfunction and where it had originated. A whole bunch of disparate threads in my life - my struggle with my job, my string of 'almost' relationships, the way I interact with my family and friends... suddenly came together with stunning clarity.
Ouch!
Well anyway... I was pretty normal run of the mill guy till about 15. In fact I was mediocre. Poor at studies, poor at sports, unknown by my classmates (definitely not by the girls), with no talents or gifts to speak of. I was shy and introverted. I did have some very cute chics start liking me at around 15 and suddenly I became pretty well known in my class. Then at 16 I got the best out of the main subjects but I was still an average student overall. I came 25th out of a class of 50. I was nowhere near good enough to get into a really top tier college in India in 12th Std. The same went on till last few years from where I climbed so high that I left everyone far behind but the rest of my life till now has been dedicated to proving that I'm not a mediocre person. The rest of my life till now has been dedicated to proving that I'm extraordinary.
That's my disfunction. I have to prove to the world that I'm extraordinary. But deep down I'm scared that it's not true and I'm scared that people will find out. Everybody in that room had a dysfunction. That was mine.
How has that affected me and my relationships and my life?
I'm very clever. That's part of the self image I've created over the years subconsciously in my attempt to convince people that I'm extraordinary. It comes across as intellectual arrogance. This is obviously something my subconscious does on purpose. After all if I don't convery to people that I don't respect their brains then how will they know how clever I am? Everything in my life is disected and analysed rather than experienced or felt. I'm very unemotional and at the same time being emotional too..
Because I think I'm smarter than other people I feel I can manipulate people into looking at me the way I want them to. I express sympathy for people in just the right way, say the right things and I break down people and categorise them into pigeon holes. Because I view people as things to be manipulated rather than people to relate to I don't have relationships and I'm very lonely.
I have so called friendships with people who buy my image. People who keep saying 'Wow Ankur is so great' are people I hang with to boost my self image. But because I don't respect them I get tired of hanging out with them. On the other hand I don't hang out with people who I respect because they intimidate me and my sense of superiority. And the other class of people I hang out with are the people who are really really considered cool because I feel that I'm cool by association. So I don't have any real friends.
Because my parents and sister love me unconditionally anyway I don't need to bother myself with being a nice guy and winning them over. With them I'm insensitive and I don't pay them as much attention as I should. I don't even tone my down arrogance with them. With other people at least I make an effort to clothe it very appealing threads so I come across as charismatic and sparky. The sort of person that guys envy. With my family I make no such effort. I'm short and abrubpt and uncaring.
Now With girls: I did not have many relationships, just to prove to myself that I do not want to get into short term relationships and and normal flings ratherto lookout for a long term relationship, enough to boost my ego. N kicked my balls and went to someone who she thought was physically more attractive, professionaly doing well. I now realise that I was so hurt was because in my mind it meant that she preferred someone else to me... ie I was not extraordinary in her eyes. I've hurt and confused K too in this stupid way.
And finally when I actually did go out with someone who was just too nice to walk away from (I tried) I kept comparing her and telling her how she vs different from N and also tht I can make a relationship work like magic but I ended up on my head. Same stuff again clouded my mind; she preferred someone else to me... ie I was not extraordinary in her eyes.
My fear of doing the same job for a long time is actually because I'm afraid that you can't fake 'extraordinariness'. Sooner or later I'm bound to get found out. So I convey things that make people say "Poor Ankur.. he's so extraordinary but an honest principled guy like him can't work in such a crooked environment" or "Pook Ankur.. he's so extraordinary and talented. He could be a writer, singer, anything he wanted. He's so creative that no wonder he's struggling in this sort of brain dead job". That's why I keep holding back from really getting engaged in my job. Because I'm afraid that if I try my best and fail then it'll prove conclusively that I'm ordinary. So I make excuses for not giving my all "How can I work well here when none of the systems work, when all my bosses have no clue what they're doing, etc". And greatest of all till now, I've been working like crazy to reach at the level where I am right now just to prove a point to two people, My Dad, trying to prove to him my past. And to K, my future; Last year in Jan I came to delhi, I promised her something and just to meet that expectation I worked day n night, sometimes with some sleep and there were days without sleep just to complete my promise to her. Past to my Dad, future to K and Present? I lost the present.
This has all been happening at a subconscious level of course. But hearing other peoples stories made me figure out exactly what has been going on. And I realised that far from being an extraordinarily brilliant, altruistic, irrisistible, perfect guy with great people skills I was actually an arrogant manipulator with no relationships in his life he could be proud of and who was spending his entire life trying to keeep a fake image that he deep down was worried was fake and that people would see through.
Which was bad.
But then I remembered all the people I'd hurt along the way... my parents and sis, my exes and K. I remembered how they had put their trust in me and how they had loved me. And how I'd let them down. And that's where I broke down and started crying. And everytime I remembered during the day the pain I'd caused I cried.
I'm such a messed up individual. The only consolation was that everybody was just as screwed up as me if not even more. Everyone has a dysfunction. Few of us have the opportunity to see it as starkly as we were over the last few weeks. I can now see exactly where my life was headed towards and it wasn't a pretty place. Now I'm aware of my subconscious motives I'll make sure that I get over myself.
We walked out of the seminar shaken and stirred but determined to make a difference in the way we were living our lives. As for myself I can see that my life till now has been all about notching up little achievements to make me feel great but which have been hollow because I don't really believe that they're great achievements or that anyone else couldn't have done them and I don't want anyone to know that. My life from here onwards is going to be all about developing my relationships with the people who matter to me and that relationship will be based on me being authentic and real and genuinely caring... and not based on using relationships as the firewood that fuels my blazing self image and keeps it alive. My job is going to stop being about achievements and more about developing love for it and the people who work with me.
Thank you Madonna for showing me who I was being and hinting at who I might be once I strip off all the layers.
My life is about to change.
PS: Madonna hates me for mentioning her here in this space. I am sorry for doing it again :P
I don't remember crying so many times in my life.
I wanted to talk about all this with lot of people.....anyways in last few days have shared some of the things with Gary, Anki, Puneet, Mamta n Madonna and will talk about the rest too. Well yes I think she's the one who can understand all this but right now don't feel its the right time to take so much of her time.
Well the presumption is that EVERYTHING that you do and EVERYTHING you say and EVERYTHING that happens to you is significant because it represents a conscious choice that you make. So if you come to class late because your child's bus was delayed (as it was for one participant) it was because she chose to be late. Obviously the lady protested that it was not under her control but then the trainers told her that not only was she a lady who did not respect other people's time (indicating that she did not respect other people indicating that she was arrogant) but that she was a liar (for claiming that she couldn't have been on time even if bus had been on time), a victim (for claiming it was not her fault that the bus was late) and argumentative, insincere and had a craving need to prove to others that she was right (for insisting that she really hadn't intended to be late). Yep... she eventually ended up crying too.
This sort of thing happened with every single sentence that any participant uttered. They asked me how my work was going and I said it wasn't going to well. They asked me why. I hesitated for a second and one of the trainers said "You analyse things too much. You have an incredibly fast mind but it's heavy just now. Because you're so bright you expect to be doing well in your job and so you're going through one of the most frustrating times in your life because you don't understand why. Your education will come in the way of you making the most of the experiences in this class. I also sense a huge sense of loneliness. And what's more... you actually know why you're facing this mind block".
I was stunned at the depth of perception at where I was from just a five second pause in my answer.
If a guy said something politely they would turn on the person and go "I just want you to know that you're not being polite. You're trying to create a nice guy image. This nice guy image makes you think that people will like you but the truth is that you're a wimp with no self respect so you suck up to people and nobody respects you at all. You are NOT A NICE GUY. You are a WIMP!!! Get it?"
Then someone would butt in and say "I don't think you should speak to him like that" and they would be told "You think you're helping him but you're serving your own image of being a guy who needs to rescue people. That makes up for your own crippling sense of insecurity. Not only that but you're actually trying to 'save' him because you think he's incapable of handling the situation. You don't respect him or like him. You're so arrogant it's UNBELIEVABLE.... Sir!" leaving the 'rescuer' red faced and sputtering.
This went on for about two days and the weird thing is that every single statement they made was actually 100% accurate. And although the person being spoken to was generally in denial it was easier for the observers to see that what was being said was the truth. And when they saw this time and time again they started becoming more open to the possibility that when they were being spoken what was being said might be true. And on the third day... people actually started realising that it was.
Then when some level of acceptance started sinking in the leader started examining the causes - "When did you start feeling 'not good enough'? Who made you feel 'not good enough?'" and then the painful things started surfacing. 90% of the times these were incidents that had completely controlled the behaviour of those people and .... they barely remembered those incidents. People who felt that their parents did not think were good enough either developed an inferiority complex that made them quiet and withdrawn or portray an arrogance to prove that they were. People who felt that their parents did not love them were distant and unloving and untrusting in relationships because they were always carrying the fear that they would be let down because they were unloveable. The list went on and on. That's when most people started breaking down and crying. I cried three times just listening to other people's stories.
Listening to the other stories I started understanding my own dysfunction and where it had originated. A whole bunch of disparate threads in my life - my struggle with my job, my string of 'almost' relationships, the way I interact with my family and friends... suddenly came together with stunning clarity.
Ouch!
Well anyway... I was pretty normal run of the mill guy till about 15. In fact I was mediocre. Poor at studies, poor at sports, unknown by my classmates (definitely not by the girls), with no talents or gifts to speak of. I was shy and introverted. I did have some very cute chics start liking me at around 15 and suddenly I became pretty well known in my class. Then at 16 I got the best out of the main subjects but I was still an average student overall. I came 25th out of a class of 50. I was nowhere near good enough to get into a really top tier college in India in 12th Std. The same went on till last few years from where I climbed so high that I left everyone far behind but the rest of my life till now has been dedicated to proving that I'm not a mediocre person. The rest of my life till now has been dedicated to proving that I'm extraordinary.
That's my disfunction. I have to prove to the world that I'm extraordinary. But deep down I'm scared that it's not true and I'm scared that people will find out. Everybody in that room had a dysfunction. That was mine.
How has that affected me and my relationships and my life?
I'm very clever. That's part of the self image I've created over the years subconsciously in my attempt to convince people that I'm extraordinary. It comes across as intellectual arrogance. This is obviously something my subconscious does on purpose. After all if I don't convery to people that I don't respect their brains then how will they know how clever I am? Everything in my life is disected and analysed rather than experienced or felt. I'm very unemotional and at the same time being emotional too..
Because I think I'm smarter than other people I feel I can manipulate people into looking at me the way I want them to. I express sympathy for people in just the right way, say the right things and I break down people and categorise them into pigeon holes. Because I view people as things to be manipulated rather than people to relate to I don't have relationships and I'm very lonely.
I have so called friendships with people who buy my image. People who keep saying 'Wow Ankur is so great' are people I hang with to boost my self image. But because I don't respect them I get tired of hanging out with them. On the other hand I don't hang out with people who I respect because they intimidate me and my sense of superiority. And the other class of people I hang out with are the people who are really really considered cool because I feel that I'm cool by association. So I don't have any real friends.
Because my parents and sister love me unconditionally anyway I don't need to bother myself with being a nice guy and winning them over. With them I'm insensitive and I don't pay them as much attention as I should. I don't even tone my down arrogance with them. With other people at least I make an effort to clothe it very appealing threads so I come across as charismatic and sparky. The sort of person that guys envy. With my family I make no such effort. I'm short and abrubpt and uncaring.
Now With girls: I did not have many relationships, just to prove to myself that I do not want to get into short term relationships and and normal flings ratherto lookout for a long term relationship, enough to boost my ego. N kicked my balls and went to someone who she thought was physically more attractive, professionaly doing well. I now realise that I was so hurt was because in my mind it meant that she preferred someone else to me... ie I was not extraordinary in her eyes. I've hurt and confused K too in this stupid way.
And finally when I actually did go out with someone who was just too nice to walk away from (I tried) I kept comparing her and telling her how she vs different from N and also tht I can make a relationship work like magic but I ended up on my head. Same stuff again clouded my mind; she preferred someone else to me... ie I was not extraordinary in her eyes.
My fear of doing the same job for a long time is actually because I'm afraid that you can't fake 'extraordinariness'. Sooner or later I'm bound to get found out. So I convey things that make people say "Poor Ankur.. he's so extraordinary but an honest principled guy like him can't work in such a crooked environment" or "Pook Ankur.. he's so extraordinary and talented. He could be a writer, singer, anything he wanted. He's so creative that no wonder he's struggling in this sort of brain dead job". That's why I keep holding back from really getting engaged in my job. Because I'm afraid that if I try my best and fail then it'll prove conclusively that I'm ordinary. So I make excuses for not giving my all "How can I work well here when none of the systems work, when all my bosses have no clue what they're doing, etc". And greatest of all till now, I've been working like crazy to reach at the level where I am right now just to prove a point to two people, My Dad, trying to prove to him my past. And to K, my future; Last year in Jan I came to delhi, I promised her something and just to meet that expectation I worked day n night, sometimes with some sleep and there were days without sleep just to complete my promise to her. Past to my Dad, future to K and Present? I lost the present.
This has all been happening at a subconscious level of course. But hearing other peoples stories made me figure out exactly what has been going on. And I realised that far from being an extraordinarily brilliant, altruistic, irrisistible, perfect guy with great people skills I was actually an arrogant manipulator with no relationships in his life he could be proud of and who was spending his entire life trying to keeep a fake image that he deep down was worried was fake and that people would see through.
Which was bad.
But then I remembered all the people I'd hurt along the way... my parents and sis, my exes and K. I remembered how they had put their trust in me and how they had loved me. And how I'd let them down. And that's where I broke down and started crying. And everytime I remembered during the day the pain I'd caused I cried.
I'm such a messed up individual. The only consolation was that everybody was just as screwed up as me if not even more. Everyone has a dysfunction. Few of us have the opportunity to see it as starkly as we were over the last few weeks. I can now see exactly where my life was headed towards and it wasn't a pretty place. Now I'm aware of my subconscious motives I'll make sure that I get over myself.
We walked out of the seminar shaken and stirred but determined to make a difference in the way we were living our lives. As for myself I can see that my life till now has been all about notching up little achievements to make me feel great but which have been hollow because I don't really believe that they're great achievements or that anyone else couldn't have done them and I don't want anyone to know that. My life from here onwards is going to be all about developing my relationships with the people who matter to me and that relationship will be based on me being authentic and real and genuinely caring... and not based on using relationships as the firewood that fuels my blazing self image and keeps it alive. My job is going to stop being about achievements and more about developing love for it and the people who work with me.
Thank you Madonna for showing me who I was being and hinting at who I might be once I strip off all the layers.
My life is about to change.
PS: Madonna hates me for mentioning her here in this space. I am sorry for doing it again :P
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